Travel trails

Mumbai’s local trains have always been talked of, more by ‘outsiders.’ Sudden tales of Samaritans, or horror stories crop up more details follow in the columns…But even as a Mumbaikar or preferably Bombayite I NEVER identified with the monsters who travelled in these trains. I know they’re packed like sardines-apt name, considering the odour too wc often is rattling for someone like me who has a very sharp nose!

I don’t like being pushed, period! It brings out a beast in any person & I see that everyday. Free advice, jostling, pushing & human beings cease to exist as beings, we become like furniture pieces, eg. Instead of asking u, requesting u like decent normal beings, WOMEN (???) suddenly fucking poke in ur arm, shu shu…kidhar utarna hai? Sometimes I look dumb, vow I love it, brings out the worst in them. They speak in dirty hin-mara as in Hindi-marathi, call me dumb, extra smart etc. Else I say don’t know i'm undecided…or pick up a fight saying muh se bolna haath kyu lagati hai…& wipe off her touch frm ma body!

The other thing being speed…yucks! Everyone wants to chase, run, be there first. Always wondered why don’t we make great sportspersons? may b the sports minister should just contact the Mumbai's local railway authorities, or come & do a recki of our stations! PT Usha will be put to shame. Jostle, push, wanting to get out first!

I LOVE buses...they meander thru' all streets, the pace is the driver's u can 'SEE' loads fm the windows...yes there r probs in buses too..especially if u have to go under the arm pits of sweaty, smelly ones!! yuck! I dont know why in our country like sex many do NOT like deos!! we r like this only baba. Smelly, stinky even in the mornings...NO wonder people r put off with each other.

Now on Tues 23rd Jan, I decided to inflict torture on myself- so no fucking suburbanite can accuse a townie (why me? coz i've even travelled in Virar trains, have gone standing for over 1&1/2 hrs starved, thirsty, all ready to pee) of NOT experiencing the travails and problems they go through daily! Sounds very magnanimous & charitable na? So from Mahim I took a train to Malad!

Firstly it was the 1st class, if you thot there was any ‘class’ difference, just keep it at home & scoot off. Of course I stood at the door, but how! 4th standing. On both the sides women of all sizes-NO probs man..but these very comfortable women take objections to others’ sizes.

If ur on the big side 'bai ga…kay hicha vajan, dekho na moti…if ur thin, she ga baya, kay hichi katadi, bochtat meli…so on so forth. So on both the sides of the coach this is the case, with remaining all of us squashed from all sides.

I really wonder how daily travel in these trains can help people retain fat is a miracle! Then one mod gal got in fm somewhere. Tapped me once- some 460 volts lightening went from my toes to ma head! I hate anyone touching when I respect someone else’s space i expect rather demand the same. thx to my mp3 player, I’m less hot-headed now tho’ enough for the amount required to stay sane in Mumbai's locals.

I told her she could go ahead if she wanted but no need to touch me. After a while I thot I had become a hanger. Felt being pushed on my neck. I snapped at her telling her firmly wt glaring looks ‘don’t touch me, coz if I did the same u won’t be seen standing.u can go without disturbing me.’ Ofcorz I was pleased with myself smiling fm ear to ear.

Caught the attention of another smiley & endowed woman who stood next to me…she too was being pushed around. She smiled & informed the woman to chill –something to that effect. She was happily pushed by a kid as we spoke. Thx to ma mp3 I said aloud, ‘wots wt these people, are these women or animals?’ kiddie heard me & said its not right to call women animals, very humiliating and Shrewd (??? English baby) smiled & said its a compliment...english i tell u! She lamented she didn't push deliberately bcoz some woman was getting off. Wots wt ‘had to’ was forced??’ isn’t there a mouth to say excuse me?? So I got one more chance, said its not u only girl its all here who want to push. We are all king kongs in this compartment.

We 2 women chatted & meanwhile suddenly one lot of women stormed inside the coach! Pushed? Its an understatement! Seriously by then my 36 size had been reduced by quite few inches!! Hands felt like they’d left my sides, feet ceased to exist. One typical kobra girl screamed, aga bai tumahra duppata gira hai, sambhal na! Another went on lecture a girl (like me in the middle) how she had stood incorrectly & how if she moved a bit all could stand in a better way. Best part is all were standing perfectly well! No one was imbalanced - except us who were being jostled, de dhana dhan! This conversation contd, some idle women butted in it saying sahi hai kaise yeh khadi hai wt sound effects like chaha. Oh! i forgot all this is interspersed with hard knocks in the ribs, boobs, strong nudges, etc. some like me anticipate & push back my elbow, push hard into the stomach of the nadia hunterwali!

Other thing is Doling out free & uninvited advice is the birth right of Indians! Im sure we all have heard how if ‘Tendlya (as in Sachin Tendulkar) had played on the off-side, then he would have hit a four, how tendlya should field, bat, etc, or ganguly ko ab cricket chodna chahiye…or even more remarkable how the actors should run their lives, kaise yeh aj kal ki ladkiyan adjust nahi karti na?

Ya if the advice of female train travellers is taken seriously then they will have problems with even two commuters on board. They have a problem, that’s the bottom line. Plus god knows wot frustrations? Looks they are not taken seriously in their personal lives so they compel others to listen to their phookat ka advice.

I talked aloud with the other woman, wots the problem? Free advice is being given all around but no one has been left behind on the station? Then suddenly some women began inquiring, where ru getting off, kidhar utarna hai?? Chalo chalo aise beech mein mat kade raho, all the while pushing, shouts of aah, ouch, arey kya kar rahi ho, pair par ho hato pl…sounds very corny I know…arey thoda side mei jao na..agar utarna nahi hai to beech mei kyu hai?? Nalayak, kay baika, etc etc

I could see all wanted to be a the gate first! So I told my friendly neighbour, all want to go first? Its a fucking race! Wonder then India hasn’t yet produce one fastest sportsperson, these women should participate instead. Ofcorz women ignored me like plague ..wc is ok…I wanted to make a statement & I got it straight from the heavens above!

Then andheri came, ai age chalo, kya kar rahe hai, yeh kaisi auratein hai becch mein khadi hai…more pushing fm the gate into us helpless ones. I was by then falling behind on the seat, coz the rest is only for waist below! I thot most of these women were frustrated & wanted to say it aloud wc I did ofcorz…in addition I loudly lamented, seems we Indians don’t like sex & its obvious we are deprived of it, that’s why we see women fight like this everyday!

By then my friend fm The Hindu saw me & was in splits to see how I was indulging in self-inflicted torture. She even said now she knew the secret to my weight loss, wc ofcorz is noticeable but I also think I had shrunk by 10 kgs on that very journey.

Thankfully by then Malad, or should I say Mallad (as gujjus pronounce) arrived! I was shocked to see lesser crowd & really was disoriented after alighting on the platform. Truly my sides pained after I sat in the auto…

New year's over

Thank god! The new year frenzy's over. I can't understand this whole buzz...rush to celebrate anything especially public displays of New Year, Valentines - gawd i hate that celebration & those darn idiotic protests to prevent those who wish to display their sex, luv, romance, friendship (wc few do) publicly. ggghhhrrr....

pressure to spend more i think..more so each outdoing the other. Affordability is last of one's priority. Then the dresses -do they undress more? This reminds me, a good designer friend of mine has gotten me latched onto a hobby..'observe' all people who come to Marriots. I anyways luv to observe. We stand on the small loft, a corner adjacent to the coffee shop; i nearly fall down crouching holding onto ma sides seeing how people dress to come to a 7-star hotel & how they eat at the buffet. Sorry, its NO prying its all out in the open. Since this precarious lil spot's bang opp to the famous pub-disc of marriots u can see them all!!!!!

so now i can breathe lil easy. Now that new year buzz. No one prying into ma private space of celebrations, forcing a resolution out of me (even at this age!) no one showing too much inquisitiveness reg my exercise regime, food restrictions -wc i have NONE; too much curiosity of ma sex life, altho' they confuse it wt a love life -wc is NO one's concern. So then pronto my horns stnad out, bitchiness oozes as i reassure all, "I may b single but honey im NOT deprived!" sending these catty ones murmuring abt ma atitude, how i need someone to mellow me, etc...

The these sick celeb wishing smses...gawd...replies. Now for every small thing there are mass smses that plague our in-box. Makar sankrant?? didn't know there were smses for it..pl wish people didn't just talked sweet, but smelt sweet, coz people in this country don't know that deos r available for even Rs 50; More than anything why can't people behave sweet here? Mumbaikars r out to kill each other even if someone like me walks aimlessly, looks lost on a railway platform. Its like u gotto have a look of a killer wt the eyes focussed on ur target! gosh..dont people breathe easy???

So now i can sit back & see that as the calendar gets old i can bravely display it on office table, coz these rascals steal stuff! Every yr my friend anne margaret gets me the HDFC table & wall calendar, wc was stolen by someone when i walked on Jan 2 in the DNA off. Stealing is in some kleptomaniac's DNA!! ok..off to a bad start for this week. will write more later