Death of my 'rain man'

Who is a 'Rain man' you will ask? Well someone who comes as a blessing, guardian angel in one's life..who is the one who washes away all your sorrows like the fresh showers fm the skies, brings a new life, rejuvenates, revives one's spirit…this is who I strongly believe is a rain man.

Do people have a rain man? I don't know about people. But I always had..my best friend.. whom I've known for nearly god knows…lost count…I am lucky to have him (or had literally…a death doesn't take his status & place fm my life- NO way).

Why do I call him "my rain man?" Bcoz he always said, "I will always be your rain man!" so true..ONLY Chetan Datar is my rain man…Papa as bachu & I called him. He has been my pillar, strength, my channel of clear reasoning. A man who always had scientific reasoning & vision that was way different fm others & I always called on him for this 'different' thinking. And yes his cutting wit...aai ga...if I asked him for advice I knew he would put things in a perspective that I would or would not agree to, but was dead sure that it was the most correct thing he had said. It was also vice versa. That was our understanding - be brutally honest wt each other.

This was a joke between us – b/w Papa & me, that Chetan is my rain man. There is history to this statement…I knew Chetan thru' his brother Ashu (Ashutosh) & our bachu (Kartik). It was instant chemistry…yes but something that has been as if we're reflections of each other…Both instantly knew this was lifelong friendship & we both didn't want to ruin it getting into a relationship. We Never asked each other why, what if the other had fallen for the other..NO, just was soooo spontaneous…thereafter time immemorial we shared our inner most secrets & always reaffirmed this decision we had taken on the spur on the moment.

We 3 friends Bachu, Papa & I- never hid anything from each other & we ensured there never was a secret between us! It was fun u know…the way of life Kartik...(read the blog on my bachu Living with the dead), papa –Chetan & I had…it was a virtual self-made family by 3 of us so that we didn't lose out on being single all our lives. Bachu died but my rain man I thought would always be there for each other even in our old age…

One day whilst we exchanged notes & giggles about our lovers (each strongly believed the other had an arse hole of a lover. Mostly me as I called Chetan's GFs nurotic women –this was our firm opinion & we'd laugh as we spoke of them).. Papa said I was missing out on all fun since I've had a track record of going without a man for years…actually had few compared to Bachu & Papa. Both would ask me to experiment, go for lovers without attachment, talked often abt how deprived I am not having sex as much as they had…etc etc..like any male friend.. Then one day we shared…yes we were fascinated by the idea of having an affair with each other, wc we said would be only in our old age…Bcoz he was sure none of his lovers would stand by him, except me, his friend. For me, I always believed Rain man would be there fore me for the rest of my life…

So that's when the 'rain man' concept evolved. We both love the rains, hated the summers, loved to go out & eat…were extremely open about our affection for each other & absolutely believed in expressing it openly…we spoke of old age as if we were zipping there in some formula one car race speed…but we relished the idea of 2 friends being for each other…in our old age…that is when he said "If you never have a lover Neeta, I will be your rain man," don't worry..i will be there for u…yes! So in every rains we'd laugh & say hey rains are here…& he'd say "Yes I know mama I'm ur rain man."

I always enjoyed my brief meetings with Chetan. When I say brief…they always were brief..i don't blame him, with all his theatre work, writing, lovers & giving them time, either I would meet him at Kartik's or over the phone. When bachu fell ill our lives revolved around Bachu only…

Thereafter our communication & meetings increased…The first time after Bachu died & we met for one of his plays…it was one of the most personal moments…we then made a promise to each other be in touch & always be there for one & other..

My rain man & I could sit for hours & talk about anything - Theatre, the dynamics of theatre people, their terrible lives, general people, Religion, Castes, prejudices, politics, petty politics, acting, dance, most of all families, dynamics, music, books; personal things, problems, gossip, bitching of each other's lovers (mostly his), personal problems…sex & the politics of sex. Name it & we could talk to each other & laugh about each other's stupidity openly…on each other's face…We'd also advice each other…often ignoring it for kicks…Rain man's other special quality has been his sense of humour. Even in his most trying days he kept his balance by laughing at himself...together we would bring the house down..laughing at our choices, errors, stupidities & mostly his nurotic women...how we've brot it on ourselves...few have this quality...

I accept my personal life was not as active as Bachu's & Papa's, wc was by CHOICE. Something they never liked & would always pull me up for. I'd accuse them of forcing me to look at men who id never give a second glance & would call them pimps…They would laugh at me…for Bachu I was an incomplete woman seriously..bcoz he wanted to see me in a saree with the pallu drawn over my head, a sex slave for my husband, cook & clean. But for Papa…I was perfect! He always wished his girl friends were like me…I never wanted to possess my rain man..never needed to…we had promised to always be for each other...I did promise him I would take care of him god forbid if he ever faced any calamity…that's what friends are.

Sharing my inner most feelings & secrets with Papa & vice versa has been most natural to us both. Few years ago, after most of my friends (mostly girls but even males) had married & had children, I still never had an itch to have babies. My body clock NEVER ticked & I shared this with Papa & asked him if I was a normal woman? He laughed & said for "For bachu mama You are abnormal & incomplete"…"but for me..ur absolutely normal. There is nothing wrong wt u."

He asked if I had really given a serious thought abt wanting to have babies? Rain man knew of my predicament …I believe that NOT all lovers can make gd fathers or rather could give me gd babies. I never craved for having babies. I shared this wt him. What he has told me, I believe there are NOT many men as sensitive & understanding as him…"If you ever want a child badly, I will willingly be there to give u one. Not just to get u pregnant-we may not live together-but I will certainly give the child my name & fulfil all responsibilities of a father. Don't worry. I do not think you're incomplete…think it over mama." Chetan knew it far too well this was a passing phase wc went by in few days…But I always fondly remember what he even offered…who wld even think of something like this…Later he asked me to make a promise that I will marry & have child for his sake. I told him i shld've taken his suggestion seriously.. & we both laughed..i told him the promise was tough, didn't want to ruin any man's life & he said, "Pl mama don't talk like a woman, u've never been like this. Even if he is a chutiya (See how confident he was of my choice), jau de, lagna kar..He was scared of loneliness...

Even when he was dying i reminded him of our rainy day promise. He smiled wt a twinkle in his eyes, "I will always be your rain man momma." However, things were not the same anymore. My rain man didn't have many weeks…The day he told he wanted to meet me, few days prior to it Bachu's sister Polumi had been calling me. She frequently asked if I'd spoken to Chetan. Chetan was to leave for his trip, he was directing a play in 4 diff cities…never before in his life has he asked me not to attend his final rehearsal….Plus he was leaving so I wanted to meet him, hug him (wc I simply luv it) & wish him the best…he didn't' say anything…simply said, "its ok momma, its not necessary..

Never once I suspected anything..After his return Polu's queries began..I shared it wt him. I suspected one of his terrible GFs whom I call 'trash can' (yes she stinks like garbage) was harassing him & that's why he asked me stay away. Then he eventually decided to meet me…we went for dinner, walk & decided to take some cool winter breeze at the Band Stand. After all our laughs, Chetan took my hand & shared his inner fears..

He cried putting his head in my shoulders…I was facing a harsh reality…after bachu now papa is dying! What family is this? What life is this? I couldn't say anything then, can't say anything now…He needed me...i can't think since that day…I've been sleep walking, at night my brain works over time. I am still numb after he's gone..

Since then life was not the same. When his condition was deteriorating, I decided to spend maximum moments wt him. We met after that…he had been insisting since that day I find a nice man & marry. He said, "For my sake get married, u need it, , or get a child, u will be a good mother." Despite the fact that Chetan hates melodrama…"stop being a Meena Kumari & now listen to me, its tough living alone mama, look at me." I tried to tell him I will take care of him, that was our promise …

Every time I went to meet him, I saw him shrinking…he looked like a skeleton & would look outside his window for a glimmer of hope. I pushed him to be positive & Chetan said Indians are all filmy. "That Anand film has hypnotised everyone..what is positive abt dying mama? …I understood his frustration…its NOT easy to accept death…he went thru' cycles of ups & downs…of nearly reaching death point…then again back to living each day lifelessly...he'd say "I'd rather choke on good food….then would say "Mama pray for me…pray I am relieved fast & peacefully ."

Its strange, in the midst of the rains, I had to pray that my rain man gets his final death… But in those days too his wit had not got blunt. One day while rubbing cream on his smooth bear back i told him, Papa u have a sexy, smooth, fair back..& kissed it few times..he told me of how men have hair & the impact of it..yeah like that bear actor...then in true chetan style said, "Many men think it macho that they have lots of hair on their chests & backs, but they flop so badly in bed mama!" I couldn't have agreed more & we laughed over our expriences.. Then he said "mama u too smell sexy. When we had the chance why didn't we do anything" We laughed & I blamed him for falling for all his 'chavlya-matkyas.' He then shared something that revealed such a humane side...

He had his contradictions & stubbornness to support it...He may have felt bad abt my strong opinions reg his choice of women, wc i claimed was the same pattern. He took to ugly nurotic women! Those who wanted to possess him. I told him abt it & asked him to be careful..he said it was unfair on my part to say that...But all of us have our own ideocyncracies. One day we spoke of queer experiences, like what we don't like after sex. I told him how i have this thing for sleeping alone, hate cuddling..Kartik said i needed man whom i'd obey! "Mama ur too out of control." Papa simply hugged me & said, "Why can't my women learn to be like u!" I said it was tough, I was one of a kind..more so i told him the problem is ur women want to possess u, hold onto u...while ur a free spirit.. if this simple thing ur women have NOT understood Chetan, leave them...U DON'T deserve to suffer.. He'd say, Ur not going to forgive me for my mistakes...but id tell him the fact is Papa they won't leave u even in ur death! Wc he agreed to...

I've been proud of my friend. He has been a socially conscious man in his plays, writings, craft…he was never driven by commercial desire. He also has been the most practical & up front man I've ever known…he lived his life on his terms & conditions…he loved & lost..he cared & got a lot…He had NO regrets, lived life to the fullest. He was the most wonderful friend, so caring, warm & wanted women to break barriers. He loved life & i couldn't agree more to what Elvis Presley & Frank Sinatra said, "To say the things he truly feels; And not the words of one who kneels.The record shows I took the blows -And did it my way!"

Happy Birthday

My birthday came & went. It was nice, pleasanter than usual, I should say.

Aai had left on the night, eve of my b’day. In fact as I dropped her & left to return homewards, & I began getting calls & smsz…u know as one gets older one stops giving Birthday so much of importance.

I’ve always had this love-hate relationship wt 21st May, the day I was born. When I was a kid I would hate my b’day simply bcoz it fell in the middle of the summer holidays. So I always had to live wt NO friends on my BIG day. Strangely it prepared me for more tough days ahead.. also prepared me to live a far more independent, single life. Wc I’ve so gotten used to now.

Then it made a difference when I first fell in love, as in true love. Otherwise my crushes were on-off…this was short-lived romance…but closest I ever came to wanting to marry a man. In the courtship days one wants or rather insists the lover, boy friend, spouse whoever must remember our imp dates..now I shudder, even I thought like that? Now I feel chalo..even if its few days later the celebrations keep getting extended…I guess wt spouses, lovers things are too hung up & complicated.

Anyways the other reason I hated my b’day was simply bcoz I could NEVER party clothes on school days. A waiver all girls born on Mondays -Fridays & during schooling days were given. I think we born in May or Dec were losers. For me others didn't matter ..it was tough..i mean as a child one thinks of oneself only. I would then throw a tantrum on my sister’s b’day & insist on wearing my party dress on hers. Now now touché, touché, wasn’t this sour!

My Aai & Baba would try to convince me that it was Smita’s b’day & NOT mine! And one day they will ask the school to allow me to wear a party dress. Its inexplicable let me tell u that during one's school years to be left out brazenly like this. It gave such a deep sense of feeling of being deprived. Of not getting even one day in your life to celebrate! Now all this has NO impact…I can live with no one calling me or smsing me…tho’ I admit I go on a huge high when I am wished by my loved ones.

Also the gifts made a difference then -wc i NEVER got, since there NEVER was a b'day. I always gave gifts, however small or sometimes none what so ever in early childhood days. Can’t remember anything so way back. However one thing I do remember is I NEVER could have a party..simply..becoz of the fact there was no one around to celebrate my b’day. Eventually one year in my fourth grade my parents let me celebrate just to take the pleasure of a party. That is another issue that most who attended my party were my relatives & only a friends ! I at least had the pleasures of a party.

College things were obviously different & later as years rolled by working time…its office, old friends & new..so celebrations span over few days. That I now think is the crux of a b’day or celebration. Not one day but rolled over many..so here’s wishing a great year (s) to me! Yes with gifts too...