Pakistan war memories

Now when we talk of war people first connect it to the most notorious US-Iraq war. A little back home many connect it to the Kargil war in 1999…now if this is way long back by any standards then think again. Coz I’m now talking of the ill-famed Pakistan war in Bombay!

Yes, I know many will ask how would I remember? What is the connection? Was I even born? Well, to give myself some credit, not only was a I born, I was over 4 years old! Yeah sharp enough to understand a lot of things as I always was…as to why speak of it now…I remember many instances of that period. A lot of other stuff in my life is blank....for instance, I can’t remember many names faces & have even deliberately blanked out old memories.

Now coming to the war…I distinctly remember the Kolhatkars living in the DARK! I’m sure scores of other Indians lived in similar conditions & functioned in their deliberately darkened homes or in dim candle light inside dark windows. So why should I be saying only the ‘Kolhatkars?’ That is only because I can’t remember the outside world in Bombay of those times. I have a recollection of only few memories & that too inside Jagjivan Mansion, 2nd floor at the end of Awantikabai Gokhale Cross Lane, or the renowned auto-spare parts lane!

The memories now sound entertaining, but then were bizarre, jarring & frightening to say the least. Sounds of zooming planes which deafened our ears, living in dark and more so having family dinners in dim candle light. This truly was NOT romantic. We were lucky my father was a photographer so we had these photo papers which were silver in colour on the inside and dark charcoal black on the outside. We did not have to invest more in dark papers, they soon were pasted (my aaji made wheat glue) on all our windows, wc are easily over a dozen. Then on top of that, we had to sit in pitch darkness at our table (yes somehow we were privileged and possessed a huge dinning table!) and would try to eat ( no wonder I still spill food on my clothes) when suddenly the youth of our lane would scream hoarse “Kolhatkars divey band kara.” "Kolhatkars switch off ur lights!"

Gosh! It was frightening…chilling u know. I’d begin howling –well according to my family I never needed a reason to break into tears-so may be just that’s why I’ve finished my quota of crying & I’m dried of any water in my eyes!

The whole experience is most haunting. Imagine any child’s nightmare... Firstly manoeuvre around a 15 ft passage with NO lights; then go to the rear end of the house where the kitchen was it seemed like we would take the whole night for this simple process, wc now takes few seconds in complete darkness.

I remember my mother & aaji tottering around the kitchen silently…outside world we don't know of, how the sounds & colours of blackness are i can't recollect. Our hushed sounds & cries were mixed wt the regular fights we two sisters would have.. Then suddenly it was a like a Ekta Kapoor serial as each would compete with the other in shouting & coaxing me to ‘shut up!’ Coz according to most i would only cry...hope everyone thinks this is exaggeration...i never thot so but my entire family thinks its verbatim.

It was too chaotic and confusing to say the least. I have NO memories of how the mornings would pass, i do recollect having played a lot. One uncle was nice, he was ailing all the while, but was concerned and caring. I have NO memories of running in the middle of the compound to take cover as part of the drills…some kakus around the wadi distinctly remember.

I remember the threatening shouts from below the building as the men took patrolling duty “Silence Kolhatkars, cut out the sound.” I mean how insensitive people are I always thought. Why were they constantly shouting at us only? The bloody war makers-I mean children don’t know anything about these wars-they only know to cry at four. Plus how could they expect us to live in dark?? Then the so called incompetent governments that allowed these wars to take place & then on top of that the bloody rascals who patrolled!

Imagine its like putting those plastic gags in the faces of the children. As if this is not enough, I had a Hitler incarnation called Baba, my dearest father. He insisted that one should perform a particular task in a particular way (as he dictated) & at a specific time. It was far too much for a scatter-brained, dyslexic child like me, who also was under weight & weak!

I distinctly remember standing at the entrance of our living room on the doorway & in the pitch darkness I dreaded to get across the huge hall at the other end, which seemed like a dark ocean in which I’d drown. Now, I’m NOT exaggerating a word of this. Because it seemed I’d take few years to cross it & especially as every time I attempted to cross a fighter plane would zoom at my eye’s length creating a thundering sound that would make me slump & burst into cries. I can't remember getting across, but i'm sure i did. Coz that Hitler wouldn't have given, i would've surely given up then...now i live on challenges

Fear, cries do NOT exist in my dictionary now. At that time they were my middle names. As if this pressure was not enough, the Hitler sat in opposite end of the hall with my aaji (paternal grandmother) who was my teddy bear! She tried to coax him to letting me come with help & that Hitler would burst into vigorous hand movements (which I’d see flying in the air) & a stern voice that would make me pee in my panties.

This really was my tight situation. The impact was however far worse. At that time of my life I peed in my pants, pyjamas, panties the most. I would simply pee, got pulled up for it (since I 4 years old) & was told I had no toilet discipline. No one simply realised I was living in mortal fear. I also kept crying. I developed vision problem three years later, but many of my fears & psychological problems were sowed in the war tremors.

I had NO clue there was a war. We would murmur in hush tones, stern voices would read out news blaring through our old aerial radio box, but the seriousness of the word ‘war’ was not known till I was educated.

The first impact was everytime the lights would go out in cinema theatres, i would begin bawling. I was a problem child. I would simply cry. So as a punishment, i was never taken for good films-yes i was given the miss for SHOLAY!! Now that's unfair...bcoz once my atya (aunty) took me Haathi mere Saathi, i think in the first few minutes there's a shot of herd of elephants making sounds & i had to be taken out, after few hours of bawling i was dropped back half way in to the film!

The other impact also was that when I grew up I would return home late at night & for many years I would unwittingly switch on all the lights from the passage to the kitchen! My baba (ya see the change in reference from Hitler to father) even told my mother Neeta may be having a problem why does she switch on all lights so late at night. He wondered why I could not manoeuvre at night.

Now I did NOT do it deliberately. These patterns continued for a decade, unconsciously. The minute I realised it was a psychological problem (then I should be on permanent medication or treatment) or an indication of it, I began working on it. I first discussed the incident alive in my mind about the war times or rather nights. Initially my aai & baba rebuffed it. Then my father claimed I always have a theory ready for explanation for any occurrence in my life & most importantly he thinks I love to sound like a martyr. Now we all do that. But the memories were real. I argued sensibly with him.

I tried explaining that I in no way was accusing him of any crime or lack of understanding. It was plain stock taking for some latent possible fear or effect of it. I decided to work on it & that meant free of fear. That was something hard for me, coz among other experiences I had also suffered abuse at a young age, so all this needed to be addressed by me. All issues that made me the way I am, that gave me my identity as Neeta & that which made me stronger today have that little tragedy in early days.

Today those memories & visual rewinding of war images are truly in the past. I am truly free of fear! I fear NO one or anything. I love myself for all my faults. I roam at night, in fact I am alert, aware & have learnt the skill of moving around in the dark. Life is brighter I have faced near-death experiences & count myself lucky to be alive. But its taken many years to realise that it is NOT my weakness or personality problem, it was impact of bizarre childhood experiences wc i've worked upon.

Cool breeze

I bought my first air-condition 2 years ago. Yes! Now I had thought that all my summery heat problems would be solved.

I know at the age of 38 it is tad late to have bought an A/C. For numerous reasons it was delayed. Firstly my father was clear since our childhood, NEVER get dependent on any ‘thing.’ We should be brave enough to face all extremities.

So even when we went out on holidays we did NOT wear thermal-Coz firstly we couldn’t afford, more so it would create dependency!

This attitude dominated our thoughts. Then the famous worry-AC will increase the electricity bills! So from few hundreds it will run into 1000s. This was always spoken of, so whenever any Maharashtrian would want to buy microwave, it was made loud n clear, veejecha billvadhel! Your electricity bill will rise. Now these are the same people who have quietly stacked their homes with all hi-tech gadgets…
So later as we grew up we kids grown into adults too resisted buying ‘unwanted’ gadgets & electronic items that create dependency. Now fridge too does that except that it helps you to preserve your food. So it is allowed, fans too create dependency, but it does NOT increase your bills, plus zero maintenance.
Interestingly what a person once thought will create dependency becomes a necessity in some period of time! So first new music systems were put in place, home theatre, personal computer, mobile phones, cordless phones & the list goes on….Now when all these self-improvements were happening my best female friend anne told me its time I bought an AC, which I could get on instalment, wt zero% interest.
So urs truly went & bought it. Now the simple me thought this AC would solve all my summer heat problems! I mentioned that before right? Ok true to my track record it took 2-3 days for the installation to take place, electric connections too were made, the demo guy came & rattle something to my parents & rest was left to me.
Now I do NOT like reading catalogues or ‘How to do’ material. Its never problem free, as easy as it looks & the final product just does not look the way they show it in the picture. Also, even if it is all as per printed format in real life, you fucking mess it! More so I’m a strong believer of trial & error method, this a-way u improve every time on what has been done before, by you, or anyone.
The first night I switched on the AC, whoa! Miracle…cool air..i though I was going to have the coolest & deepest sleep in my life! Quite short-lived this romantic thought was considering the immense drama that followed.

Firstly being a journalist who had covered a 6 part series on power crisis in my city-Bombay- Mumbai for many others-plus the state Maharashtra wc was facing load shedding, I thought it wise to keep my ac device in energy-saving mode. Initially i timed it for 4 hours only which ensured the temp won't cross 24 degrees.

Now all of this on the first day was pretty complicated but was convinced it was a MUST. My deep hereafter sleep was more like a side splitting comedy film. Well, urs truly was firstly disturbed by the constant sound of ac. I’m used to sounds of birds, water pumps at odd times like 4-5.00 am, may be vessel falling in a kitchen in one of the homes behind, parrots, sparrows (loads of them, they haven’t left our abode) & those hideous crows! Plus sound of the winds…sorry NO space for the grrrhhhh of an air condition…

Then the energy saving mechanism obviously switches on & off the automatically. So it went on & off after every few 30 or some time minutes…so I was pre-occupied wt sounds, then when it would go off, I’d panic that the ac has been switched off. I'd wake up & check fidget in the dark & switch on the light to figure out the rmote, device & variations. I timed it to some few hours…wc kept getting skewed everytime id fidget…so I wondered what the problem was. This episode of trial & error continued for 4 days & then enlightenment dawned on me.

I began timing my cold air to 1-2 hours only. I would cool the room, switch on the fan at high speed once its over an hour i open the windows & tuck in bed tight…So the room & air is cool, i still hear the horrendous crow & cooing parrots. Plus most imp, I now get peaceful sleep…except that in the winter that lasted long till March this year, i didn't on the AC at all! This summer though the outside temps has compelled me to leave the ac on for 2 hours.