Why I never committed suicide

Don’t sound shocked. But this is a feeling I get whenever I’ve had to carry news items of students committing suicides. Numerous reasons –depression, bi-polar personality, low morale, under achieving, getting below average scores, being caught cheating, for a theft, lying, barred from going somewhere or doing any activity; more so unfulfilled romance, etc, etc.

It’s sickening when a couple that held hands together, who sat chatting at a railway platform 2 yrs ago, leapt in front of a running local train. I am really not sure whether to extend my sympathies to them. I can’t identify with such people.

May be I sound harsh, but you too will wonder after reading about me, after all this why I never thought of wanting to committing suicide. I gave NO signals to my mother to want to come out of her stomach when she was carrying me. Despite it, my aai was asked to abort me. They say the foetus catches sensory messages, may be even I did get the message I wasn’t wanted. Never realised till later date why mother held a grudge against me. She told me it was because I rejected her breast milk. Now I may be called drama queen, but for years I held it against my aai, that she rejected me & justified not accepting her milk. It was all too late for anything that could rectified reg child birth crises. We had to deal with the reality that we were mother & daughter who were alike in many ways...which we did & she surely knows she can depend on me...for me my parents mean the world to me. But we worked it out.

Now about me, I grew up into a weak unhealthy child, suffering from multiple physical ailments. Plus I have been a late bloomer. So by the time my peers had developed or at least showed to do so, I was in some dreamland. SO I guess they lost patience with me. From this arose many clashes & unhealthy competition.

In my eyes the world was cruel. All conspiring to stop me from playing. Plus my parents either planned or by mistake got 2 daughters in the shortest age span of 1.25 years! So there were 2 daughters like chalk & cheese. One round, healthy, brilliant at studies, unerring concentration, never left her seat, shrewd who knew how to get things done & always came in top 2 slots.

This meant 13 years from nursery level to 10th, I was ONLY told how bad I was & how good my sister was. I was told she was a role model. In school I would have erased her from this planet!. I earned medals for my school & I’m proud to say my principal remembers it to date … but that school never ever mentioned it. I was a black listed student.

Yes, I cheated, copied, I stole some stupid books worth Rs 5, some tale teller complained to my sister. Now the sister she is, she told my parents. I saw her as someone who wanted to be in the good books of aai-baba. All she was doing was just being obedient. So she became my target & despised her. The perspective changed by the time we went to college..but the initial years instead of being friendly went in fighting.

I give it to Amol Guptey who first conceptualised Taare zameen par. I was like the main character of that film. Always outside the class, lost in my dreams, I would think I was a bird, who one would fly away from all these troubles & terrorising people. I had nightmares, wet my bed, had emotional problems, my studies graph was volatile, good at sports, but never recognised.

In that too, I was fascinated by reading, general knowledge, always thought that was more important than anything else. I loved playing, did well in some things, learnt to cook really tasty food & by the time i was in 9th i was sure i would be a journalist. .

I learnt things that I look back & realise helped me tremendously. Yes, I developed complexes, like I said there were only achievers around me, family & school class. In this mess, at some point of time there was abuse too. I won’t discuss it here. But it left deep scars.

The main lesson i learnt was, to survive under any circumstances. I can rough it out, be alert in middle of the night, go alone anywhere, keen sense of direction, aware of my rights and I can deal with my problems, tackle experiences depending on each situation. More so overall as a human being I learnt lots. The most important thing was we were compelled to choose alternatives. Either good or bad, as a result we learnt to face the consequences. Killing or taking life was NEVER on the list, rather never even crossed our minds. I often wonder despite being depressed, low in esteem, poor health why I never tried taking my life? I never thought of throwing myself in front a car, getting lost, or any such thing?

I only knew one thing-I ALWAYS got into trouble. I was extremist from day one. I thought of beating, yes had & still have tremendous physical strength & mental strategy of getting people into trouble. I had to fight for my rights always. As a woman in the field of media especially among the first tv journalists in Bombay & Maharashtra, it wasn’t easy to break into the male domination. Every second man would try to hit on me. Mostly married men. Bosses who wanted physical favours from me. I suffered in terms of not getting promotions, increments, again tried to make me feel worthless. But I NEVER gave up. I quit the job, may be you can call me loser, but I would rather have self respect than more money.

Earlier too I never contemplated anything drastic. See, a child who is abused is NOT aware what is happening to her. How can we expect such children to be normal or mentally fit? But I really never thought of dying or killing myself. I was definitely someone who needed care, attention, whether I got sufficient amount or not, is NOT the criteria to judge the situation. At that time in society or till then, may be child psychology had not developed in India. I still don’t think it has matured. Our parents never interfered or intervened. They left us to deal with our lives & outcomes. We won, we lost, we cried, we feared, we were beaten & we learnt to beat too.

But the one thing we learnt was to Live through it all. We never thought of taking lives or killing myself. NEVER. Yes, scarred I was for years, had absolutely low self-esteem..all till I went to college. Life was much more comfortable, but suffered tremendously. This took toll on my personal life. My first romance, which I felt came closest to me wanting to get domesticated was not fulfilled. But I found friends, I found books, I found music. I created things, I took pictures, did things that made me happy. I had friends who told me where I was going wrong, where I was fantastic, where I was invaluable.

But importantly, my friend Altaf told me a v important thing. You are NOT the only one to suffer or go through such experiences. Don’t unnecessarily make yourself feel so important. People have suffered similar or even worse experiences, gone through it all & lived on. This is the most important lesson. Who do we think we are? What do we deserve? Once we realise we are just beings, a vital link in the chain of society, each is a vital link in the link of society & individually no less or more that really gives a perspective to us as humans & our living.

Food grain prices should lead to downfall of top politicians

The agriculture minister Sharad Pawar said that he is no astrologer to predict when the food grain prices will fall & the poor will get decent dal to eat.

Now who in the world equated a minister who has contested NOT for public good or service but for increasing his profits with astrologers & soothsayers?? NOT me.

The politicians are here to make money, don’t we all know that. I may expect a little too much from them, that besides filling their coffers-in this case the whole city of Baramati will get filled up with his money.

But I also since last 6-8 months the prices of food grains have increased beyond imagination. They have shot up three times the original. SO my monthly groceries which once would cost me Rs 3000-3500 today come up to easily Rs 5000. It is exorbitant. I am no loaded woman born with a silver spoon. In fact I have had to struggle to earn, still I struggle & it is a daily battle. I chose NOT to seek a partner in this battle- sharing, sometimes I don’t know whether I have spared the man/men or I should not have!

This bit apart if I am facing something at my level, which is 20 yrs complete as a qualified journalist, a masters, as in pos-graduate. I can just imagine how an uneducated, poor person must be struggling to survive!

Tur dal is anywhere between Rs 100-120 per kg. The good variety pulse, lentil. The average is Rs 80 plus. Now the Indian govt has pilfered Korean tur dal, one that just does NOT cook. So, this mean your gas consumption goes higher, it costs much more, you require more gas simply. This is if one bargains & opts for less expensive grain. If one opts to purchase a more expensive one than one needs to decide, do I need daily? Then I can I dilute it add more water & let it be watery yet the feel of dal on that rice & on your fingers is there.

Or then opt for the last -like what most poor Indians are doing –stop eating dal. Imagine eating dry rice with onion, chilly, may be if someone can afford little curd or milk. Vegetable prices have sky-rocketed, meat is not as expensive, but most can’t afford it. What does a poor person eat? I suggest they should Pawar’s brain, make his life miserable, make him restless, taunt him, force him to eat the rubbish he is doling out to the poor through the ration shops.

Instead we Indians mumble it’s our goddamn fate, we deserve this…may be it is our karma. NO dammit, what about the karma of the politicians? Don’t they need someone to remind them? What about coming out on the streets? Forcibly enter the govt godowns, throw out all the grains, create law and order problem. Let the govt stand up & say “we are ashamed, we are sorry for making the poor eat nothing & also for the mediocre quality grains we have provided.”

Why are we living like vegetables? Why have we stopped asking vital questions, raising valid points that can embarrass the govt and bloody politicians? I know ‘revolution is no dinner party,’ as Mao Tsang Tse said, but what’s the harm in creating one?

do what you'd expect from others

I am surrounded by people who have air in their heads. Some empowerment, some responsibility & they behave like they have landed! lol! guess when one has always 'wanted' something badly, is willing to do anything to achieve it & then it lands in your lap not all take it in their stride.

Earlier on my responsibility was given to a younger colleague, who during one bad spell of rain showers buckled under pressure. I was asked to anchor, give check list & take the responsibility. She behaved really badly, shouted aloud let's go for tea, turned to me & made a face..then later justified her actions..for a long time she turned her face away wt shame...aggression is form of self-defence! After a long time when she realised she came around.

Then she faced worse. My responsibility as taken away fm her too & given to another, who has worked the least in the last four years. Instead of making her feel she is being made accountable, she is made to feel like she is empowered. Air headed as they are called.

News & newsrooms are team work. Why don't people understand that? the airs one carried about oneself can be easily blown away asap. The head then can be seen rattling, or shaking fm side to side.

2010, the New Yr

I don't know about everyone but my new yr's eve was interesting, quiet & was at home by 11.00pm. I clicked pictures of the once in a blue moon. It was surrounded by clouds first, then an aura of red rim...then after few hours i saw a blue light near it. I really enjoyed gallavanting around south Bombay to take pics of the moon.

The moon looked fiery. I remember reading in the newspapers that once ina blue it was...rare...glad to have captured it. Then went for a quiet dinner wt friends & was home in time to get some more good pics. Then was busy on the cellphone.

Next morning began the runs. My stomach hurts even today. I really fail to understand what i have eaten. The only problem i can remember is having fenugreek or methi as we call it. ALl these leafy veggies if i eat outside can hit my stomach, i've inherited an abso sensitive stomach fm my baba (father). But i saw a fab movie 'raat gayi baat gayi.' sooo much that we see around with married couples...how men r busy hitting upon every girl that walks around...saurabh shukla's directed it..kallu mama. Brilliant job i must say..

however amidst all this one major controversy erupted. the makers of 3idiots film are caught in a fight with Chetan Bhagat who wrote a book part of wc the makers have adapted. it's called five point something..

Now legally speaking they seem complacent. Who? The filmmakers -aamir (super actor..inspiration..adaptor etc), director - Raju Hirani & Vidhu Vinod Chopra Producer. But truly legally speaking they are NOT on a firm footing. Because even if they adapted they should have written so just below the credit lines of screen play, dialogue, writer...our friends did NOT think it wise, or rather they must've short changed Bhagat.

Bhagat for all his writing (wc i'm sorry i ain't a fan, more so NOT motivated to read) wc has made him a bestseller in India, i'm sure he is well travelled & i presume with education, well read. Well i wish he had read more & consulted some lawyers, other writers when he may have been approached, informed by aamir, chopra or Hirani abt the film being made on his book. Unless ofcourse he was taken by their stardom -its' ok, most are usually taken. Those who are NOT like me are considered pompous but who cares what others think.

I don't know what went wrong with Bhagat's thinking. But he wrote on his blog things that actually gave aamir a clean chit initially...then readers, fans wrote to bhagat & told him he was made an arse...so tehn in his blog he wrote..."I, frankly, was shocked to see this. This is because I was also fed ‘this is an original movie’ line a lot. I wanted to see the final script – it was never shown to me. I wanted to see the film before release – it was not shown to me (even though trials had been done for people). What’s more, the makers had called me to their office and pressured me several times to withdraw my ‘Based on a novel by’ credit, which was by contract. They told me they’d replace it with something like ‘initiated by’ – a credit that doesn’t exist anywhere in the world. I still told them that if the film is indeed original, I’ll happily withdraw the credit, but somehow the promos don’t tell me so. I asked them to show me the film and they fell silent."

Bhagat wrote on his blog & slowly by 31st dec this was a huge controversy. Bhagat is an example for falling for in to the trap of these are nice guys they won't let him down. But these are all business people. They realised here is a sucker. Someone gullible & quietly squeezed in one fine line, like caution smoking is injurious to health...like that bhagat's name appears...he obviously must've NOT been paid a handsome amount. I also wonder whether Bhagat himself smelt that this film will be a big hit (he shld've considering aamir sells his films hard). He shld never have allowed the trio to cut him short.

Now the trio's called Bhagat all names..then they try & out him down publicly. Such rascals, muscle men do this, these are creative people. What if someone were to steal aamir's credits? In fact after amol guptey's example, bhagat shld've been hard on aamir & gang...now the drama unfolds like Ektaa kapoor's soaps...let's see what more happens
Now the trio