Missing...

It’ll be a month soon since Chetan's demise. Its inexplicable how this time round a death has impacted me in a way of numbing me. Kartik’s death was most moving for us all -especially Chetan, Sucharita & me. I do come out of tragedies sooner than most normal people, however for a year since Kartik died I was at a grave loss. I felt sad & let down for a year. Coudln't do much to help him. Yes, may be one of the main reasons being he died embittered, had not even seen or did half the things he wished to or could have.

With Chetan, I admit he was more fulfilled than Kartik. Not at all embittered & thank god he died with NO regrets. I do not display grief in public too easily & I know may be there is NOTHING wrong in it…I have my reservations. But this time I’m NOT feeling. I'm plain numb! I have stopped thinking…the mind is blank but I am just unable to sleep since August 2. I am sad, very sad..despite all my hasi mazak. I am tremendously at a huge loss...

It is is as if I will still receive a call in my deep sleep to inform me that Chetan has passed away. He died in the morning...well after even his breakfast...so it is not even any sort of guilt. Everytime I’d meet pappa & would leave his side (which would break our hearts. The partings with every visit were sad..rather just got worse each time), I feared that Ashu or Milind will try to call me & I’d be soundly asleep. Sometimes i'd even think i will leave & he will pass out..these are simply fears i know.. we would even talk about it. I did not go for the Pandharpur yatra -wc papa wanted me to attend, only for this fear, that if Sucharita & I both are not around & he were to die, it would eat us for the rest of our lives...every minute of last days i wanted to be around..he too wanted his closest friends & family to be around...As it is I have suffered from insomnia thanks to my television profession. On top of that my own body rhythm has changed & often there is sleep problem.

However when I fall to sleep, it is scary I sleep like a dead person. Yes, in this current phase too, when i do fall off to sleep, it is deep sleep....dead from this world. No dreams, thoughts, nothing. Straight like a dead piece of log. And now I am still tormented by the thought that I’d be fast asleep & Papa would have passed away. I don’t know, is this pre-occupation the reason for my lack of sleep? But i also know & have accepted Papa is NO more. I really do not know..i simply cannot sleep throughout the night. I have NO thoughts, I close my eyes, I’m dead tired physically…but there is NO way I get sleep. Yes, i do see that smiling face, as if he is talking...but that is only when i am alert.

Yes, I meditate, sit up in my sleep to do breathing exercises so that at least will put me to sleep. I see tv or read wc makes me close my eyes, they get tired soon…I switch off the lights & it is the same cycle…tossing, turning, trying to do shavasan…but that sleep eludes me.

Yesterday I went across to the Bandra home….it was so moving…I remembered every time I would peep thru’ the door grill I’d see my dear papa lying there who wld give me one of his broadest smile & wave out to me…yes, the welcome ofcourse was warm with his nephews teasing me & calling me inside…Milind cooking, wc was something I always thought was so caring…coz he would come up with new dishes twice a day so that Chetan wld get something new to eat everyday.

Little has changed physically in Chetan’s house since his demise. But the heart was heavy…when I was leaving I peeped back into the grill to say bye to Milind. I miss sending flying kisses to Papa, wc he would also turn his head llil sideways to see. The smile would be intact wt misty eyes…

I know even I say life has to g on…it does actually ofcourse..We don’t stop breathing, eating..it hurts. I talk of all my memories wt Chetan & Kartik, coz they’ve been some of the best times of my life..yes all our debates, talks, gossip, bitching, confessions bickerings, dilemmas we faced in our lives..we were there for each other. I have neither with me right now. I am completely handicapped…especially now that Chetan is Never going to be around…

Ya, I know this is a fact..have accepted it…but I miss them both…And that is something I will not let go…yes & will live around this fact that they are NEVER going to be here.